I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
