ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
