that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
