My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
