"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
