worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
