What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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