omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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