Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
