Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
