True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
