I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
