well I can't set my house on fire every night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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