I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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