i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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