Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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