I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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