I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
