I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
