tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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