I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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