Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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