I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
