Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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