you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We left an ass print on the piano.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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