I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
