just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
