one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
