AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
