Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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