There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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