i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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