Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
