Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You've changed since you got that strap on
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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