No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
