Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
