Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
