I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize