We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
