Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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