I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Small penises have feelings too.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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