My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
