im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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