We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
