Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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