I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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