I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
