I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
