I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
