Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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