He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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