It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
