Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
